I’m stating the obvious, but lawyers are one of the most hated professions in the United States. According to a Pew Research Center survey, most of the American public thinks attorneys don’t contribute much to society’s “well-being.” Lawyers ranked at the very bottom of the professions.
I’m a lawyer, married to another lawyer. Despite the public’s low opinion of lawyers (and our own negative opinions of ourselves), lawyers are deserving of love — just like everyone else.
Lawyers are generally incredibly critical and harsh with themselves. There is no room for errors or mistakes, and we hold ourselves to an impossibly high standard. This lens with which we view the world, where anything short of perfection is viewed as a “failure,” leads to increased stress, anxiety, depression, and a host of other issues.
If you’re in the “I must always be perfect” camp, or if you’re married to a lawyer and struggling to love him or her, here are some tips on loving a lawyer.
Lawyers Are Only Human
In this a recent issue of the New Yorker, there’s a wonderful article titled Anatomy of Error. It’s a great article. You should read it. It’s written by a surgeon as he catalogs the errors he’s made over the course of his career.
Let me be clear. Lawyers, like all professionals, should do everything in their power to avoid mistakes. Mistakes can carry grave consequences. Granted, our mistakes usually don’t result in death or permanent paralysis, but we can be responsible for our clients going to jail or losing our client’s entire life savings.
I am not advocating that lawyers be careless or uncaring. The point I’m addressing is how do you respond when a mistake happens despite best efforts?
Mistakes do happen. That’s why it’s called the practice of law. Unlike the medical profession, where doctors go through a debriefing session after surgeries to openly and frankly discuss mistakes, there is no such space for lawyers. In fact, if you’re ever anything but perfect, your colleagues will probably ridicule you. Because, you know, you’re the only one who’s ever made a mistake.
It’s in those moments when things go wrong, or the case veers off anticipated course, that we can practice resilience. How we respond in these challenging situations will tell you more about what kind of lawyer you are than when things are going just as they should. Can you own up to your mistakes, learn from them, and make the appropriate course correction? Can you stay calm in these challenging situations? Do you have the emotional intelligence to handle what will likely be a highly emotional situation?
Do you waste precious energy and mental resources berating yourself endlessly over the mistake? Do you waste hours, days, or even weeks replaying the situation over and over in your head?
In these challenging situations, gently remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. Even the “best” lawyers. As the saying goes, “this too shall pass.” If the lawyer you love has made a mistake at work, be supportive and approach her with compassion. (Don’t tell her it will be okay. That won’t help.)
Practice Kindness
“You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.”
Walking through life with a hammer in hand and sword in the other, constantly ready for battle, will hurt you more than anyone else. You can’t express negativity, hate, anger, or any other emotion without first experiencing it yourself. Which is to say, negativity hurts you more than the person on the receiving end. I find that so many lawyers are hyper-focused on “winning” in situations where winning is completely irrelevant.
I once had an opposing counsel who insisted on having a hearing on the day after my wedding. He dug in his heels as though “winning” this stupid fight over when the hearing was going to be held would have any meaningful impact on the case.
Save your fighting spirit for when it’s really necessary, for those situations where it matters.
Lawyers are trained to issue-spot and foresee everything that can go wrong in a case. This necessarily requires us to view people with suspicion and negativity. Recognizing this is critical.
It might be fine to burn your bridges with your opposing counsel to win an argument, but this attitude of win-at-all-costs won’t translate very well in romantic relationships. My husband and I recognized very early in our relationship the importance of taking off our lawyer hats at home.
Start with kindness. Don’t start every interaction ready for World War III. Don’t start with the nuclear option. That option will always be there. Try kindness first — towards your opposing counsel, towards your clients, towards your co-workers, towards your significant other, and towards yourself. Especially toward yourself.
This article previously appeared on Above the Law.