The question what should I do with my life? seems to be a question I see a lot of lawyers struggle with. Lawyers are primed to strive for success and we tend to identify who we are with what we do. Oftentimes, how we define “success” for ourselves is externally motivated — we define success by our job title, how much money we have, what we own, or who we know. Of course, these things may play a part in defining success but many of us don’t pause long enough to ask ourselves: what does success look like for me? Another way of asking is: what do I want to be known for?
One of my coaching clients has been struggling with the decision to leave her biglaw job. She’s really in a great place to make this leap — she has been preparing to leave for several years, and has enough money to be able to take time off and figure out what the next chapter of her life is going to look like. Yet, she’s hesitant. She shares with me that she’s afraid of quitting because she has to be “successful,” and quitting her job felt like a monumental step into the unknown.
Many people, given a choice between safety and change, will choose safety. Despite hating her job, the job was the very thing that gave her a sense of identity. It’s easy to have your life neatly bundled into the job title of Senior Associate. It’s hard to deviate from the script.
I recently came across the following lines in a Psychology Today article, What A Female Mid-life Crisis Looks Like, by Marcia Reynolds:
“She told me she was taught to always raise her hand. Now in her 40’s, she is questioning what she is raising her hand for.
These women have not faced a crisis, but they are facing a mid-life quest for identity.”
I believe this struggle for identity can happen at any age, and I suppose some never have such struggles. Each of us has a unique set of skills and it’s not always obvious how we can utilize those skills so that they align with our values while making a significant difference.
Perhaps you’re struggling too. It can feel very isolating. You are not alone in this journey. Here are three things to keep in mind for successfully navigating your quest for identity.
1. It’s a journey
As lawyers, we’re paid to come up with answers and we need to find the right answers. When it comes to finding your identity and finding complementary work which gives you both meaning and challenges, there may not be any singular correct answer. You can’t know what you’re good at or the difference you want to make in the world unless you’re willing to explore, experiment, and fail.
Be okay with saying: “I don’t know where I am going, but I know I can figure it out along the way.” When I left the State Attorney’s Office, I had no idea what I wanted to do next. After a decade, I can report that for me, “next” involved starting a wine export brokerage business, starting a bankruptcy law firm with my husband, writing two books, coaching, and public speaking. I’ve also picked up a few hobbies along the way, including bread baking, beer making, sewing, and some coding.
2. Find supportive people
Find a friend who is also interested in personal development who won’t judge the struggle you are experiencing.
A friend of mine wants to start her own business. She’s a lawyer, brilliant, funny, articulate, and talented. She shares with me that she fears she’s going to “fail” because she’s not organized. I find this puzzling because while I don’t think she would win the Ms. Organized Award of the Year, I don’t agree with her that her lack of organization would stop her from being a successful entrepreneur. We sip tea and we brainstorm about what type of help she would need to overcome her (perceived) handicap so she can be successful.
Finding your tribe — people who understand that this is a journey, and will be compassionate and nonjudgmental — is critical in navigating your quest for identity and purpose.
3. Create space
This line of inquiry can feel uncomfortable and scary. There’s a tendency to avoid these larger questions about our life and life’s purpose. We may avoid it by engaging in more busywork, doubling down on the billable hours, or other preoccupation. We tend to confuse being busy with being successful. Constantly doing means we can avoid being.
Creating space to gently explore the edges of who you are and what you want out of life isn’t something you can accomplish in an hour. As mentioned above, it’s a process — a journey.
Give yourself permission to explore. Schedule time in your calendar to go for a hike, walk on the beach, connect with a friend, or to draw. If you feel stuck or don’t know where to start, ask yourself, “What next step feels both obvious and true?” See what answer arises for you.
I’d love to hear about your quest for identity. What have you learned? What are you struggling with? Feel free to drop me an email or send me a tweet @jeena_cho.
This article previously appeared on Above the Law.