Setting boundaries is an important part of self-care. What boundaries have been important to you and how have you gone about setting them?
Dear Setting Boundaries,
Setting boundaries is indeed a critical part of being a successful lawyer. First, let’s define what we mean by self-care and boundaries. Self-care refers to activities to nourish yourself and increase your inner resources. Self-care is essential for maintaining a healthy balance in life and preventing burnout. Self-care can also be what you do not do. For example, self-care might be saying “no” to an opportunity that may appeal to you but isn’t right. Boundaries establish guidelines, limits, and personal rules that define what is acceptable or unacceptable. In the book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace,” the author writes, “Expectations in relationships help you stay mentally and emotionally well. Learning when to say no and when to say yes is also an essential part of feeling comfortable when interacting with others.”
If considering your boundaries as an act of self-care feels foreign, you’re in good company! I find that many lawyers (myself included) struggle with this. I spent a large part of my career saying “yes” to too many obligations, only to do things I did not want to do and then being saddled with resentment. People pleasing has always been a habit, probably due to cultural and social conditioning.
Asserting boundaries may be considered confrontational or aggressive due to stereotypes associated with specific racial or cultural backgrounds. Perhaps not surprisingly, women and people of color get more pushback when setting boundaries or have their boundaries ignored. This should be something law firms pay close attention to as a way to ensure women and people of color are not being penalized for caring for their own well-being.
The most common way boundary issues come up for lawyers is time management. Earlier in my career, I incorrectly associated responsiveness with being a “good” lawyer. I responded to client emails and calls almost immediately and made myself available 24/7. Soon, I found myself working around the clock. The harder I worked, the more my clients demanded from my energy and time. I would complain bitterly about the 1:00 AM client emails, expecting an immediate response, yet, I didn’t make a point of setting and communicating time boundaries to the clients.
Here are the steps for setting boundaries and communicating them:
1. Understand and define your needs. You need to understand what your needs are first and foremost. You cannot convey your boundaries to others if you do not first understand them for yourself. This can mean recognizing that you only have the bandwidth to serve on one committee at work. It can mean you do not work on the weekends or after a particular hour in the evening. Your needs may include recognizing that for you to function at your best, you need 8-10 hours of sleep per day and at least a couple of hours to unplug and decompress so your body is ready for sleep at bedtime. Your needs may include seeing a therapist on a regular basis. Your needs may be taking time off from work at specific intervals.
2. Communicate your boundaries. According to the book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace,” there are six types of boundaries — physical boundaries, sexual boundaries, intellectual boundaries, emotional boundaries, material boundaries, and time boundaries. The author notes that the time boundary is the one people tend to struggle with the most. Time boundary violations include calling, texting, or repeatedly emailing for non-emergency situations, expecting you to be always available, and asking you to provide unpaid labor. The best way to communicate your boundaries is to use an “I” statement and keep it simple. For example, “I work 8:30 – 5:30 PM Monday through Friday. You can expect a response during these hours.” “I am unable to work this weekend.” “I can help you with that, and my hourly rate is X.”
An important note here about setting boundaries — make sure you are setting boundaries in a way that you can enforce them. For example, “I will not respond to your emails until Monday morning” versus “Please do not send me emails during the weekend.” In the first example, you are in control if the boundary is breached (e.g., you will not respond). In the second example, you are attempting to modify the other person’s behavior. It is not a boundary if it requires the other person to take a certain action.
3. Be gentle with yourself and get support. No doubt, setting boundaries can be challenging and uncomfortable. Yet, it is necessary for your well-being. Here’s a thought experiment to try. The next time you struggle to communicate a boundary, imagine what you would tell your best friend if they were in a similar situation. It is also very helpful to people who will support you on this journey of defining and communicating your boundaries.
Lastly, remember that you do not need permission from others to set boundaries. Another way to put it is this — no one will set your boundaries for you. It is up to you to decide what self-care looks like for you and to engage in the practices yourself. It is absolutely okay to prioritize your well-being, and setting boundaries is a healthy and necessary act of self-care. Your body and your time belong to you. You get to decide what is nourishing. You get to decide what your needs are.