For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been anxiety-prone. Anxiety is a funny thing, because most people I meet would describe me as being calm, quiet, and perhaps a bit reserved. Over time, the anxiety got worse and I coped by diligently avoiding situations that would trigger anxiety.
For me, much of the anxiety stemmed from interactions with people. I avoided going to the grocery line because I feared the small talk with the cashier. I stopped attending networking events for the same reason. I turned down all speaking opportunities. Eventually, the anxiety got so severe that I started limiting all social interactions unless it was absolutely necessary, like client meetings.
The fact that other people seemed to engage in these social interactions without anxiety, with ease, and actually get pleasure out of it only made me feel worse. “You are so broken,” I’d tell myself in the harshest and the most judgmental voice. I continued to suffer, in silence, convinced I was the only one who suffered from this terrible condition.
After many years of suffering in silence and feeling completely alone, I finally sought help and was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. Having a diagnosis felt comforting on one hand, because I had to recognize the fact that I am not the only one who gets anxiety in everyday social situations. On the other hand, I felt frustrated because having a diagnosis didn’t automatically cure the disorder.
It has been over five years since I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. I still suffer from anxiety occasionally but what has changed is my relationship to anxiety. Here are some tips from experts on ways of working with anxiety.
The most important thing to remember about anxiety is that it’s perfectly normal. Everyone occasionally experiences anxiety. Jennifer Warner, LCSW, CHHC, explains it in this way:
“Anxiety is a normal physiological response related to perceived threat. When we sense that we are danger, we enter ‘fight/flight/freeze’ mode–an adaptive reaction to danger. Our bodies respond accordingly: breathing speeds up, digestion slows down, blood pressure increases. All of these things happen to protect us and get us out of harm’s way.”
In fact, some amount of anxiety may be necessary to keep us motivated. Dr. Jared Heathman, a psychiatrist and therapist, says that anxiety actually serves a purpose in appropriate situations and in mild amounts. It provides us with the motivation to complete tasks and achieve goals. If you didn’t worry about paying the electricity bill at all, you may not show up to work.
Separate Feelings From Thoughts
One thing I learned in going through my treatment for anxiety was this—you are not your thoughts. Additionally, separating your thoughts from your feelings is also crucial. Warner says, “Thoughts are in the mind (‘My boss is a jerk’) and feelings are experienced in the body (‘I feel so stressed and tired’). Anxiety is a combination of feelings (body) and thoughts (mind).”
For me, anxiety often starts as a tensing in the pit of my stomach. The next sensation is the racing heart, and it can sometimes feel as though my limbs get so tense, it’s almost painful. This is the “feeling.” I’ve learned that if I can simply identify these physiological sensations and not add the narratives, the anxiety will quickly subside. However, if I feed the physiological sensations with thoughts, then the anxiety gets worse.
For example, I still notice all these physiological sensations each time I have to speak in public. I can just notice these sensations and remind myself, “Ah, this is my body, trying to prepare me for this important talk,” then wait for the sensations to pass. However, if I add negative thinking, for example, “I feel so anxious. Everyone in the audience will know I’m anxious. I’m going to deliver a terrible presentation,” then the anxiety just gets worse.
Additional Helpful Tips
1. Breathe! When people are anxious, they can either hold their breath or start breathing faster. According to Nicoletta Skoufalos, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist, one effective breathing technique is “breathing in through the nose for a count of four, holding the breath for a count of six, and then exhaling through the nose for a count of eight. Then repeat until feeling a bit calmer.”
2. Meditate. Daily meditation creates a quiet space each day where I can check-in and notice how I am feeling, and practice caring for myself with compassion. Skoufalos says, “Meditation can help increase a person’s tolerance for and decrease discomfort with uncertainty and not knowing. Oftentimes people are anxious because they do not know what the future holds, be it uncertainty about health, relationships, or major life changes. Meditation helps people just be aware of what they are feeling and what is happening in the present moment, without reacting or trying to change anything.”
3. Get help. My biggest regret is that I didn’t get help sooner. I think back on all those years where I suffered in silence, and I feel saddened by the missed opportunities. As Stephanie J. Wong, Ph.D., licensed clinical psychologist, shared, “Experiencing anxiety is normal! Anxiety occurs on a spectrum, and we all experience it at some point in the day, week, month, or year. When it begins to impact your daily life (socially, vocationally, etc.), then speaking with a professional may be helpful. There is help out there to assist you in managing anxiety.”
This article previously appeared on Forbes.