In the past, I’ve struggled with emotional pain. The details behind the emotional pain are unimportant and it would be poor form to share it with you. What I do want to talk about in this post is how to work with difficult emotions.
As lawyers, we are often met with situations that can evoke very strong emotions. The opposing counsel does something that makes you feel as though you could kill him with your bare hands. Your client does the thing you specifically warned him against, then blames you for the outcome that you predicted. The court completely misses your point and rules against you. Or the court agrees with you but rules against you anyway.
Difficult emotions are also part of our personal life. Your mom says that really triggering thing to you, and makes you want to jump out of your own skin (and let’s face it, mothers have the unique ability to do this). When I called my mom to share that I would begin writing for Bloomberg, her response was, “Is this going to get you out of student loan debt faster?” Oh, mom.
In my more recent predicaments, I was seething in anger and frustration. It’s been a long time since I went to bed with the feeling of anger pulsating through my veins, and woke up with that same feeling. I think you can relate. And when you’re in this state, it’s really uncomfortable. Like a broken record, I kept replaying the situation, over and over in my head. Each time, I was left seeing red. Of course, while having zero impact on the person I was furious at.
My default response in these situations is to think of the “nuclear option.” My mind can play the “nuclear option game” endlessly. Thinking of all the ways in which I can hurt the other party. Except, in this situation, this isn’t wise because I deeply care about this relationship.
Which brings me to — learning to work with difficult and uncomfortable emotions. I’ll describe the practice in summary. A longer explanation is in the book, The Anxious Lawyer. I want to preface by saying this is a practice. It’s not about mastering your emotions so that you’ll be free from negativity (although, wouldn’t that be nice). It’s about constantly recognizing how you’re engaging with negative emotions and gently guiding yourself in a different direction.
1. Recognize The Negative Emotions
When faced with uncomfortable emotions, the natural tendency is to push it away. To deny its existence. Unfortunately, this is akin to pushing a beach ball into the ocean. It’s exhausting and soon or later, it will bounce back with more force.
A technique I’ve found to be useful is called “noting.” Gently note your emotions. It may go something like this. “I feel really angry. My stomach feels like it’s tied into knots. I feel heat rising from my chest into my face. I can’t believe the a**hole did that.”
2. Look One Layer Deeper
Once you’ve spent some time recognizing the negative emotions and making space for them, see if you can look beneath the primary emotions. Beneath the primary emotions, there are likely many secondary emotions. For example, the primary emotion may be, “I feel angry.” But beneath that, perhaps there’s a feeling of betrayal, being let down, hostility, jealousy, or many other emotions.
The secondary emotions bring us to a vulnerable space and, therefore, are difficult to acknowledge. It’s much easier to lash out in anger than to say, “When you said x, y, and z, I felt ridiculed.”
3. Let Go Of Judgment Around Your Emotions
We often have judgments around our emotions. For example, I might think, I shouldn’t feel angry. I shouldn’t let him get under my skin. I’m weak for feeling this way. The self-judgment only creates more suffering. The trick isn’t to judge the self-judgment (which only creates a vicious cycle), but to simply acknowledge it. Again, using the “noting” technique, you can gently acknowledge the self-judgment. “I’m judging myself for feeling angry.”
4. Practice Self-Compassion
If you notice you’re engaging in self-loathing or other negative thought patterns, try practicing self-compassion. Imagine that your best friend, your child, or someone very dear to you is experiencing the negative emotions that you’re struggling with. How would you treat her or him? Would you tell her she’s an awful human being for feeling this way? Would you tell him to suck it up and get over it? Probably not. Extend the same compassion towards yourself that you would to someone you deeply love.
5. Move A Muscle, Change A Thought
Finally, get out of your head! Go for a walk, run, hike, yoga class, boxing, or whatever physical exercise you enjoy. You can calm the mind by calming the body. Now, I realize when you’re in this funk, the last thing you want to do is get out of the house. Choose something that’s easily do-able, for example, walking for 30 minutes. If that seems unbearable, try 10 minutes.
Again, this is a practice. You may find yourself inadvertently engaging with the negativity and have to gently remind yourself to let it go. Over and over again. Fortunately, lawyers are excellent at practicing.
I want to hear from you! What tools or techniques have you found to be useful in working with difficult emotions? Drop me an email at [email protected] and share your thoughts.
This article previously appeared on Above the Law.